my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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