I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
