my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
