is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
