The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
