girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
