I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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