Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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