do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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