i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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