I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
