"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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