Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he fucked my hip out of place.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
