I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
