my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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