You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
