Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
