guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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