No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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