i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
