you guys were way drunker than both of me
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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