I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just forgot I was standing up.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
