So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
