The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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