I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
