god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
