I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize