YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I feel great
I just peed on a car
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
