I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
