I cannot find my penis.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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