Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
