Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
