Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
