Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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