my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
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I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
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Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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