Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
