You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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