Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
