we have officially lost it.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
