You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
