Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
