Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
