I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
