So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
