Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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