I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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