the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I wish there were birth control emojis
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
