11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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