If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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