I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think people are normalizing furries
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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