she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
