i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
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Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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