I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
