First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
