nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
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Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize