I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
