About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
