Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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