he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
