my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
